To open my week on the BDSM Blog Hop, I’d like to offer up a guest post from my very own Sir. He’s agreed to answer some questions for us (and, though I know some of these answers, He still managed to surprise me!) and share His perspective of Domming and a few bits of the lifestyle, and how we participate in it. I am doing a giveaway this week, to go along with the hop. I’ll be giving away two ebook copies of either of my Golden Collar stories, Choices or Deception and signed, decorated bookmarks from the Golden Collar world, as well. Be sure to follow the hop and leave comments and questions here, on my posts this week, for a chance to win. Any post with the BDSM Blog Hop badge contributes to the giveaway!
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How would you describe your “style” as a Dom?
I prefer firm but loving. It helps that my pet is also the love of my life 🙂
What’s your favorite thing about Domming?
I dislike chaos and the idea that I can’t control what goes on around me or, sometimes, to me. Being a Dom gives me a sense of order and control that I create myself.
What’s your mindset like?
When I’m going into a scene, I like to think of myself as a director, controlling all aspects of the scene (no pun intended). Lighting, position, temperature, how I affect my pet… One thing a director does though is let the performer play to their strengths. I like guiding the best out of my pet and letting her show me what she can handle.
How does effective communication play out in the D/s aspect of your relationship?
As we progress in our D/s relationship, we maintain very firm and open lines of communication. One thing I’ve learned from my marriage and a previous one is that it is a central pillar in a good relationship, no matter what nature of relationship it is. This works well during negotiations outside of our scenes and during our scenes, both when she lets me know where she is (through body language and audio cues, mostly) and when I show her what I want from her.
When did you realize you were interested in BDSM?
Not long after we got together, she who became pet and I played a lot in the bedroom. At one point, we tied each other up and teased each other and controlled the other’s distance to climax, for one thing. This gave us our first experiences together in denial and bondage. Time passed and pet suggested we play with that some more, with me in the leadership role. While it initially bothered me at first, because we are both completely equal in our relationship outside of D/s, I learned that she craved the opportunity to please me in a submissive sense and I had the desire to control something (and in this case someone) in my life. While we maintain our equal status outside of D/s, we have found much enjoyment and satisfaction in the exchange of power that comes in our D/s relationship.
What’s your favorite activity to do during a scene? Impact play? Denial? Or something else?
Impact play and denial, definitely, though I think I like denial better because we can play with that both in and out of scene. In fact, most of our pre-scene lead up is days or weeks of denial. This isn’t to say that I don’t like the crack of my crop on pet’s buttocks or the soft falls followed by harder thumps of my flogger…
Do you have a favorite toy?
Two, actually. My flogger and one of her vibrators. The latter has adjustable speed and intensity and allows me more control of… speed and intensity *evil grin*
Would you ever consider taking the D/s further, outside the bedroom? Have you and if so, what kind of limits?
I’ve considered it, but right now I feel like I have more to learn as a Dom. When I feel more comfortable with my presence, I think playing in a kink club (the local one is apparently quite private – read that as invitation-only, secret location, etc. – and frequented by good folk in the kink community), will be the next logical step. pet feels more comfortable in her role and feels that when the time comes, we’ll be amazing together, there. Limits? I think if I allowed another Dom to wield the flogger, sotospeak, my hard limit would be sexual contact. I covet my pet intensely, both in our D/s relationship and out.
Have you, as a Dom, ever safeworded? What might make you consider it?
Yes, I have, though it was only our “Slow, not stop” safeword (our’s are “burgandy” and “saffron”) when I saw her acting abnormally. This was early on when we were testing both our limits. It took her out of her headspace long enough for me to make SURE she was doing okay. she has only safeworded twice, once when she couldn’t get enough oxygen and once with a new toy with which neither of us had much experience, yet.
Knowing when to safeword is a learning experience. Most important of all is knowing both of your limits, hard and soft. Much of guesswork for when you safeword is eliminated by knowing where the lines lay. Then you only have to worry about physical issues like severe cramps, breaking skin, etc. and the unknowns, like mental or physical associations to certain toys or activities, that neither of you might realize you have.
Do you have any questions for Sir? What part of the lifestyle are you interested in (whether to read or participate)? Every question and comment counts for a chance to win.